I Screwed Up!

What a year it was! Lots of craziness, mine and others. We’re almost one day and half away to let this year behind. Everything will turn into memories which are going to be filed in the 2017 should-I-forget-it folder. There are so many things I would’ve loved to do differently. Actually, most of them. 2017 brought some much to think about for this upcoming 2018. I totally understand now that every thing that I did wrong, from my perspective and from the perspective of bystanders, was because of sillily thinking that everything would turn well at the end. They can totally turn out for the best at the end, but there’s a lot of work that needs to be involved. Besides, A good deed is not a good deed if you plan it to be one when a person’s heart is part of it.

My biggest mess-up was that I should’ve totally handed my reunion with my former boyfriend differently. Meaning, he wanted to get back with me. I did believe that at some point I showed him some kind of appreciation and care which he had not been in contact with for such a long time. However, in my naive perception, I thought I was being supportive. He has had some very awful couple of years. Honestly, I feel sorry for him. Or I felt sorry for him. I don’t know right now. He has been dealing with a lot. I wanted to be there as a friend but he never understood that. He kept pushing a relationship with me. I tried several times to let him know that his best way to go was to get better by his own and get in touch with his family again in order to overcome every single situation that he has been facing.

Every time that I dissed any insinuation of getting back together, he would move along with a different topic, but we rarely kept the conversation going after I did that. A couple of days ago, he insinuated it again. Once again, I tried to let him know that I would reconsider to have a relationship with him if I noticed some sort of change in his wellbeing. I wished for him to open up his heart and look at life discordantly to his usual negative nature.

What I did notice was that he is still as controlling as he was when we were together. He wanted me to say yes to a relationship without considering different facts that would become a problem in the future, available time, distance and his personality. He got mad because I didn’t answer him right away. He showed me, despite of everything he had faced and dealt with he is still who he used to be. He listened to my different suggestion. I wanted him to learn to listen to other people, in this case, to me. He got very upset every time I didn’t answer yes to his proposal. I had my reasons to say no. One of them was to show him that he was able to overcome whatever he needed to without the aid of a crutch (I was supposed to become his crutch). He repetitively suggested that he would be able to succeed with me by his side.

The other reason why I said no was that I’m in a relationship. But the time we got in touch once again, I had broken with my boyfriend. I felt like I was betraying him because I didn’t tell him that I was back again with my recent boyfriend. I do feel that I was playing him along. It was wrong. I had broken up with my recent boyfriend for two weeks, so I thought that I had another chance to try it again after all this time. But, he didn’t show any legit proof that he had changed. I never sensed any difference. I got back together with my recent boyfriend. We worked things out. I never told him because I believed it would devastate him.

However, I really wanted to help him out to get close to his family again. He really deserved to have some real support in his time of crisis. He has a sister who adores him, so I made my best to ask him to reach her out. He did. He realized that he couldn’t get through things by himself.

Now, I feel very sorry that everything turned out the way it did. He got mad with me because, in his last attempt to get me back, I still said no. He pushed and pushed for an answer, which I never gave. He gave up. No surprise there. But, I feel ashamed now because I became the bad guy. The player. The trickster. The ungrateful bastard.

I am scared what this upcoming year might bring because of this little (understatement!) misunderstanding that I caused. I don’t want karma to strike back. Yet, I guess it will. What did to him wasn’t fair! I concealed the fact that I was with someone else in order to help a person who wanted to be with me. No good intention is a good intention if someone gets hurt.

 

Learning How to Drive

Finally! I bought my first car EVER! I’m 35 and I had never driven a car before. Well, maybe just once, when my cousin lent me his car because he was very tired and sleepy to drive during three hours. I thought of driving as an easy thing to learn to do. But, lately, it has become quite a challenging effort. My cousin’s car is an automatic one. So, I guess that’s why it was so elementary to drive.  

I never thought of buying a car. Driving was a skill that I didn’t have the need to master. It felt fine when I took my cousin’s car, though, I kept thinking of not buying a car. 

Despite of the hate I have of riding a bus, I didn’t care I would always be hanging out in the passenger side of my best friend ride #noscrubs #TLC I never felt either shame or sadness. I’m no scrubs, for sure. I have my job and more things under my arm that proves that I’m a catch or, at least, as my dating curriculum has proven so far, a good friend and fun guy to hang with. 

But, I changed my mind. I bought a brand new 2016 car. Also, it has become a need due to my job. 

Now that I have it, I feel the urgent need to learn to drive. I thought that having the car would boost that urgent need and the interest to learn how to drive as fast as possible. Since I’m not the genius in math, some of the calculations I made are now proving to be wrong. My intention was to buy an automatic car. However, my stubbornness wasn’t part of any calculation that I had planned. I really wanted to buy a brand new car. There was the moment when my endearing stubbornness kicked in. I did manage to buy it. A car right out of the agency, seats rapped up in plastic and all. But, there was a little problem with my new car. Something that added up to my misscalculation due to the big S in the equation. The car that I decided to buy is manual. 

I didn’t want to get any more in debt than I was already in. So, I saw a model that was suitable to my budget. But, they don’t manufacture that model in an automatic version. So, here it is my significant dilemma. 

Just because of my fixatition to get a brand new car, I’m not stuck with a cute 2016 Alto Suzuki. Don’t get me wrong! I’m in love with my car. It might lack some things that other bigger and automatic cars have, but I guess it just suits me well. Of course, despite of the tiny manual thing. 

 

My Car

 
You might wonder why I am drowning myself in such as predicament without having at least try to overcome such a insignificant matter, and get a grip. Well, there are certain factors which are not helping so far. 

1. I don’t have a proper teacher. I have already taken my car for a drive with the cheapest teacher anybody could hire, My dad. He’s an excellent driver because that’s what he does for a living. No, he is not a driving teacher. He works driving heavy vehicles. So, teaching someone how to drive might be the perfect career choice on the side. But, it is definitely NOT. My dad is impossible! He has no patience. He is also like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He has his moments of a good teacher, patient and comprehensive; but in a blink of an eye, he just turns into Proffesor Snape #harrypotterjustcametrue… So, just imagine being locked up in a moving car with Good Snape and Bad Snape. I’m just waiting for Voldemort to hitchhike.  

2. Due to my my two-sided dad, I have always suffered from nerves. Yes, I admit… I was and still am a scary little kid who can’t hear his dad yelling or getting upset without freaking out. So, childhood traumas are not really easy to overcome. Therefore, nerves have been the one thing that have kept me from achieving many dreams  or just trifling goals. Thanks God, I have never been a good dancer, because my hell of prom night was prevented to be remembered for generations to come. Back to driving, my nerves and sweet/frightening father are not quite the best combination for my future in car racing. During the only three driving lessons that I have taken with my father, I almost drove my car down a ditch, nearly ran over a non-moving bike and failed to make a smooth exit.

3. There is not a proper place for me to go and isolate myself from other drivers until I manage to drive my car properly. I have been looking everywhere in my mind and in this town for a place I can go and just drive without the fear of running someone over. That’s a really bad luck. I’ve been practicing on the street. I guess for a pack of nerves like me, keeping away from transited roads is equal to car accident. FYI, I still have no car insurance. Not good for a menace behind the wheel. 

Consequently, I have decided to find another teacher. I already called a cousin of mine. She’s a really good driver and have taught lots of people how to drive. I hope this change will work.

Many people have told that driving a manual car is not really difficult. But, considering that they might be a bunch of fat liers, I believe everybody has their own way and pace to learn. I just don’t want to take another 35 years to drive my car.