Did You Block Me?

Our self-esteem has lately been bound to the level of acceptance we get from any form of social media. We feel crushed when we realize that someone has unfriended us, blocked us or left us “seen or read” or “unseen or unread”. Thus, feelings start to burst out of us. We go through so many different stages before just acknowledging that it doesn’t really matter or it’s just our minds playing tricks.

If you don’t suffer from depression or social anxiety, well, I guess you haven’t experienced all of these stages, but at least, you have suffered one or two different emotions before stop caring.

blocked

This morning, an ex-boyfriend texted me. Firstly, he texted me on WhatsApp. According to him, he thought I had blocked him because just one check appeared on his text. For that reason, he texted me through the SMS application. His first question was: Did you block me?

When I woke up, I noticed his texts. I just looked at them with a face resembling that moment when a waiter had brought you the wrong order. Then, I thought of what I went through with my current boyfriend last Saturday. He hadn’t texted me and had logged on Facebook. Then, he texted me and told me everything that had happened. True? I guess it was.

main-qimg-70e92d050f21efb0fd1d8e4781890ce8-cWhile having breakfast, I started recalling the different stages of emotions I went through. I also realized how incredibly distressing the discovery of being unfriended, blocked or ignored could be.

The first stage I usually go through is depression. I  tend to infect my head with lots of self-loathing ideas: “He doesn’t want me,” I’m not good enough,” “He found someone else,” or “I’m not handsome enough.” I also embark upon fat-shaming or skinny-shaming me. I’m neither fat or skinny. But, at certain point of my life, I was both.

The second stage, which takes hold of me quicker than any other stage and lasts longer, is anxiety. I set out a personal quest of doing everything I can to find an answer to anything of what my self-loathing notions that my boyfriend or any person I care about might think of me. I put on the hacker cap, and start trying to draw a conclusion by analyzing any data I can get hold of: text messages, new friends on Facebook, Tweets, status on WhatsApp, who’s like what on Facebook or Instagram. I wish Oliver is just a phone call away! Anything I can get my hands on. Then, I draw my conclusions: try to find conspiracy theories.

The third stage is certainly anger, due to lack of sufficient information and facts. Detective work is not easy. I believe private investigators get frustrated a lot. I do. After acknowledging anything which might turn up useful to plead my case, I would start formulating a plan of action; except for the lack of proof to stand against my boyfriend or anyone to accuse of whatever I was trying to, I must desist on setting someone up.

The fourth and final stage is negative affirmation. Why negative affirmation? Well, it is my affirmation that I should stop doing any course of action because no one matters the most but me, despite the outcome, I need to come on top and look like the adult, unbothered half of the relationship. I portray it as negative affirmation because, spite of not find out anything, I still believe there’s something that I can’t put my finger on, yet I need to let it go.

It’s undeniably crazy what this world of technology can do the healthy state and peace of  mind of a clearly unstable person. I just imagined what my ex might’ve undergone until the moment I replied. It seems kind of constantly disturbing how we have tied up our lives to a mere reply, like or everything that Facebook does.

 

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