I’ve been always dealing with depression my whole life. Since I am capable of remembering anything about my life, it’s difficult for me to put a finger on a moment when I wasn’t feeling depressed.
As I grew older, I turned to alcohol, drugs, parties, fake friends and more. I was always trying to find something to lift me up, change my mood and feel happy for once. I guess that saying I haven’t ever been happy is kind of an overstatement. I have had my moments of joy, certainly. But they never seem to last.
No one knows about my struggles. No one knows about what I usually wake up feeling. I don’t blame them because I never give them a chance to see it. Perhaps, due to the constant closing from my mother’s emotions toward anything, I seemed to learn how to lock my feelings in. Head up, smile and just pretend everything is fine.
Work has also been another significant factor in my locking-up. I’m always around people and I must be incredibly careful not to say or do anything that can jeopardize my position or a probable lawsuit.
Since yesterday night, I’ve been feeling anxious again. I’ve been trying to keep my mind busy to avoid falling again. I thought everything was going to be fine again. I blamed myself, as I normally do, by saying, “It’s all in my head.”
I woke up and noticed that my boyfriend hadn’t texted me ‘good morning’. Something that we do every day. He told me he wasn’t going to class today because he was feeling tired. He had been working out of town for the whole week. I thought he might be sleeping late, which is totally understandable due to the week he had.
Then, out of the blue, I decided to check my Facebook account. I don’t do that often. Perhaps, I was sabotaging myself by logging since, at certain extend, I knew he could be online or he could’ve been logged on. Maybe my decision didn’t come as a wimp. It might’ve been my own self-destructive persona who wanted me to log in.Who knows? Yet, as soon as I logged it, I noticed that in deed he had logged in! Two hours early! I started feeling crushed.
We’ve been dating for two years and five months. He has become a part of my life by now. We have had our moment of despair and lack of love (I guess). For instance, we haven’t had sex for over a year. I understand circumstances haven’t been on our side. I also work out of town, I stay at my parents’ house when I’m in town (they know I’m gay, but they don’t accept, so I don’t push it over them). My boyfriend, who is younger than me, lives with his parents who are also kind of not so open about it. Sometimes it is hard to find us in moment when everything collides to get into the mood.
I’ve been trying to stay as calm as positive, to be as compressible as possible, and to remain as optimistic as possible. But, there are times, like today, which make my anxiety run like a herd of wild horses. Obviously, I have thought of every crazy scenario. That’s what anxiety is good at.
I tried to remember what relationships and anxiety were like before social media. Was there this immediate state of anxiety? Was there any constant fear of cheating due to accepting friendship requests from unknown people? Was there the need to check on someone to form a mind map in my head to find out what was actually happening without coming to past? Was there a privacy control to limit someone’s knowledge of some fishy undertaking?
I guess not. I’ve tried to distance myself from it. Tough, it gets difficult when my anxiety kicks in. I’m able to control it at certain limit but it takes a hold of me. I’m sitting, writing this blog, pretending that everything is just fine, being empathetic up to a point with my family. That’s what my life is. That’s how I deal with my anxiety.