Is There Anything I’d Want to Forget?

One more post about 2017. It’s almost gone. I still have some hours to spare where I am b. Today, a friend texted a video, in one of the WhatsApp groups I’m part of, about the awful things 2017 gave us. The one-minute-long video was about a fortune wheel which whirled erasing each of the different bad vibes that 2017 brought upon us. So, I started thinking–yep! I fancy myself as a thinker–about what I would want to forget about this last year. What would I resolutely like for this fortune wheel to delete from end-year mental image?

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Well, I can perfectly come up with more than ten event recollections that I’d love not to remember at all from the moment the clock strikes mid-night. Although, I guess that I need to have something to look back in order to compare all the goodness that 2018 will bring. So, I’m only going to wish for three events to banish from existence.

First, I would like to forget the fact that I didn’t get my tenure. I really wanted to get it. I have been working for 15 years and I still don’t have my tenure. I believe that I earned the right to enjoy the benefits of having a tenure, at least, out of pertinacity. Although, I came to terms with the fact that not earning it was my fault. I have known for quite a while that I need to get another diploma in order to get the tenure. I have everything else, I just need that. I was really upset when I realized I am going to be working two more years in the same place I am right now. That’s something I would really erase from my memory. However, daddy has to work. If I forget where I work, how am I supposed to go to concerts, go shopping, take my nephew and my mom, and have those delicious eating-out nights with my boyfriend.

Second, this was the year when my boyfriend and I broke up two times. One, which lasted two weeks, was because he couldn’t face the force of habit that comes when dating someone for a while. He wanted the sense of adventure and getting-to-know-someone to last a little longer. In spite of my constant efforts to overcome falling into the role of an old-married couple, he couldn’t deal with the eminent truth that he was over our relationship. So, we broke up for the first time. He knew that he had hurt me a lot. Before splitting up, I asked him for a one-week no-communication period to consider the possibility that we did want to be together. It didn’t work because we broke up at the end.

After two weeks, he texted me. He wanted to talk. At first, I was a little hesitant about meeting with him because I was already trying to start the healing process. I needed it because my health wasn’t at its peak. I needed to be fine in order to continue getting better. But, I met him anyway. We talked. He pleaded guilty of any fault which led to our separation. We got back together. I was happy. Although, he noticed that I was having some difficulties adjusting to the actual state of our relationship.

I would love to forget that moment because heartache is not something cute (as most teenagers or teen-like adults would say). It threw me off. It made me regret sharing all those nights together, introducing him to my friends and talking about him as a sweet 16-year-old girl. I was building a life with him. But, out of the blue, he destroyed all that. When we met and fixed things up, I had to start the process of glueing everything back. It took a while. But, I knew that we would be fine after a while. Because he showed me the sentiment of a boyfriend who is in love.

The second time when we broke up was because he was concerned about what our lives would be like next year. He thought that our busy schedules would get in the way of our relationship, but he thought it through after a few hours of putting another end to our relationship, he called me back regretting his decision. Once again, I felt devastated. I was enraged because he did again. I just thought, ‘fool me once shame on you, but fool me twice shame on me.’ I tried very hard not to drown myself into the doubt and insecurities of having to deal with a heartache for a second time. But, I did. He understood that I needed to be caressed in order to be me again.

I would wish to wipe out those two unpleasant memories. Now, we are cool. We are heading to a better understanding of the diverse sacrifices we must face in order to achieve a solid and lasting relationship.

The third moment is the several occasions that I overshadowed my skills and talents because I constantly felt this urgent need of thinking that I wasn’t good enough. Professionally, this year was one of the hardest I have ever lived through. From the pointing fingers from my fellow workers to the expected depreciation of my supervisor, believing in my capacity became a strenuous task. Coming out of it took a lot of effort and time. At times, I began considering the possibility that all my hard work was actually off balance. However, that feeling dissipated before the holiday season. People approached to me and thanked for everything that I did with them and for them. They showed the appreciation that I was looking for from people who were not nearly aware of the change I aimed at achieving this year. I would love to remove every moment which led to feel under-appreciated, because I did do a good job at the end of the day.

Well, these are the three major pains in my neck that I would delightfully stop remembering for the rest of my life. Each one of them almost took away everything that I had worked so hard. Hopefully, at the end, I was able to see the bright side and grow from there. Something I truly wish and hope it will come truth is that 2018 will bless me with the strength I need to face any problem and stand strong despite of how negative it will be.

Happy New Year’s Eve!

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