I Screwed Up!

What a year it was! Lots of craziness, mine and others. We’re almost one day and half away to let this year behind. Everything will turn into memories which are going to be filed in the 2017 should-I-forget-it folder. There are so many things I would’ve loved to do differently. Actually, most of them. 2017 brought some much to think about for this upcoming 2018. I totally understand now that every thing that I did wrong, from my perspective and from the perspective of bystanders, was because of sillily thinking that everything would turn well at the end. They can totally turn out for the best at the end, but there’s a lot of work that needs to be involved. Besides, A good deed is not a good deed if you plan it to be one when a person’s heart is part of it.

My biggest mess-up was that I should’ve totally handed my reunion with my former boyfriend differently. Meaning, he wanted to get back with me. I did believe that at some point I showed him some kind of appreciation and care which he had not been in contact with for such a long time. However, in my naive perception, I thought I was being supportive. He has had some very awful couple of years. Honestly, I feel sorry for him. Or I felt sorry for him. I don’t know right now. He has been dealing with a lot. I wanted to be there as a friend but he never understood that. He kept pushing a relationship with me. I tried several times to let him know that his best way to go was to get better by his own and get in touch with his family again in order to overcome every single situation that he has been facing.

Every time that I dissed any insinuation of getting back together, he would move along with a different topic, but we rarely kept the conversation going after I did that. A couple of days ago, he insinuated it again. Once again, I tried to let him know that I would reconsider to have a relationship with him if I noticed some sort of change in his wellbeing. I wished for him to open up his heart and look at life discordantly to his usual negative nature.

What I did notice was that he is still as controlling as he was when we were together. He wanted me to say yes to a relationship without considering different facts that would become a problem in the future, available time, distance and his personality. He got mad because I didn’t answer him right away. He showed me, despite of everything he had faced and dealt with he is still who he used to be. He listened to my different suggestion. I wanted him to learn to listen to other people, in this case, to me. He got very upset every time I didn’t answer yes to his proposal. I had my reasons to say no. One of them was to show him that he was able to overcome whatever he needed to without the aid of a crutch (I was supposed to become his crutch). He repetitively suggested that he would be able to succeed with me by his side.

The other reason why I said no was that I’m in a relationship. But the time we got in touch once again, I had broken with my boyfriend. I felt like I was betraying him because I didn’t tell him that I was back again with my recent boyfriend. I do feel that I was playing him along. It was wrong. I had broken up with my recent boyfriend for two weeks, so I thought that I had another chance to try it again after all this time. But, he didn’t show any legit proof that he had changed. I never sensed any difference. I got back together with my recent boyfriend. We worked things out. I never told him because I believed it would devastate him.

However, I really wanted to help him out to get close to his family again. He really deserved to have some real support in his time of crisis. He has a sister who adores him, so I made my best to ask him to reach her out. He did. He realized that he couldn’t get through things by himself.

Now, I feel very sorry that everything turned out the way it did. He got mad with me because, in his last attempt to get me back, I still said no. He pushed and pushed for an answer, which I never gave. He gave up. No surprise there. But, I feel ashamed now because I became the bad guy. The player. The trickster. The ungrateful bastard.

I am scared what this upcoming year might bring because of this little (understatement!) misunderstanding that I caused. I don’t want karma to strike back. Yet, I guess it will. What did to him wasn’t fair! I concealed the fact that I was with someone else in order to help a person who wanted to be with me. No good intention is a good intention if someone gets hurt.



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