Secretly Fighting My Demons

Today, I watched a documentary about people who have been struggling with their addictions. Quitting is something that every person wants when finally realizing the damage one is doing. However, there is more within a person’s journey into recovery that misses the simple perception from a bystander. I believe that everybody knows that addictions go deeper. It’s not just the pleasure of feeling carefree, avoiding painful emotions, running away from overwhelming responsibilities or overcoming a difficult trauma.

130717_Stop-feeling-helpless

I dealt with addiction at some point in my life. It made me do things that I deeply regret today. Different from other people, at some extend, I had certain control. I did lose my job, but I was able to get on my feet back again, very quickly. My level of addiction never reached the point of stealing, lying or getting involved into any illegal or licentious deed. However, I can recall that I almost did. Thankfully, I had the force to stay away. It wasn’t my inner force, but my family’s. They didn’t stand by me or help me out. They stood there pointing their blaming finger at me. They nagged about me and my lifestyle until the point that I had enough. So, I was as weak as any other addict, but the guilt was always stronger than my addiction.

However, getting clean was not easy. Every single day was a huge struggle. Nobody came close to ask me the reasons why I did what I did. Some people blamed my friends who, supposedly, induced me to do what I did. Some other people assumed that I was crying for attention. Some thought that I just loved to party hard. Nobody came to me and asked me the reason what I did it.

After years of coming into terms with myself and after watching the documentary, I dare to say that the crying, the blaming and the pointing do not help. The strength that I have is based on the desire to fit in. Because, from the start, what I always wanted was to fit or be wanted by who I was. After years of being criticized about who I am and how I am, it weakened my desire to continue being me. Drugs, alcohol and casual sex with strangers took away the pain I suffered. Right now, I still do not fit in. I do not drink or smoke or do any of the things I used to anymore. I am trying very hard to keep clean. However, people still want more from me. They continuously look at me and see the differences that I have which do not please their perception of how a person should be. Let’s face it, at the end of a successful recovery, the key has been to accomplish what other people expect from you.

So, why do people relapse? Because of the pressure of forgetting who you really are. Because of the fear of disappointing everyone, AGAIN. Because of not being understood, not being heard and not being looked seriously, like if who you really are is just a joke.

I know that I might be taking a hard risk of generalizing what addicts feel. However, I believe that the pressure of following a norm of being is the one that takes away the energy to rise up and overcome addiction.

I don’t talk easily about what I feel inside. I don’t want to talk because I don’t want to hear that those are feelings or notions that are not acceptable in the world today. I am tired of feeling unwanted. I am tired of feeling ugly or weird. I am tired of feeling unable to achieve what is expected from us. I am tired of feeling guilty. I am tired of not being listened to. I am tired of following a norm.

Every single day is still a fight. Every single day I try to fit in. Every single day I try to make people happy. No matter how, I am still not happy, but I feel less guilty because I do not see the disappointment of being who I am on people’s faces.

I have heard so many times that I need to be myself. But, the mind control that some people have been able to play with me has come to practically take over my life.

Some people are not as strong as others to put themselves into this constant roller coaster of emotions that is to fit in. So, I believe that therapy or the help that people are providing must be directed to deal with this unfortunate reality.

In conclusion, I just want to say that this is my point of view and some of you would not like it, but I stand by it.

Thanks for reading.

 

 

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