WARNING: Too much shit for one day. This is what happens…
I can’t feel shitty all the time. Actually, I don’t feel like it until I’m by myself. When everybody has left, or when working hours are over, so I’m heading home. When I get home, it’s when the trouble begins. I still live with my family (I believe that’s part of the issue). Despite of the company and constant interruption of any degree of concentration I might be undergoing at any given moment, I still feel lonely.
I’ve been trying to battle those feelings by keeping myself busy. I draw. I’m drawing at least once a day. Actually, I’m improving my skills (it gives me lots of satisfaction). I read (something I’ve always enjoyed). It takes my mind away. That’s the goal of reading. Now, I’m writing this blog. I just write things that are in my head. Maybe, this blog is about many different issues, or ideas, or opinion, or a complete compilation of corny, hollow, and troublesome shit. But, I enjoy writing it.
Besides all the different artistic facets of me, something very important, which has helped me work through all the shit that has come to me this past years, but mainly this last ten month, has been exercising. Getting fit has been my kido, my power, my force. Since April, I’ve been going to the gym and strengthening my cycling workouts. Without exercising, I have no idea where I would’ve been right now. It literally saved me. I still feel shitty. But, when I go to the gym, I just feel the everything is coming to place. It calms me down. Though, I’m thinking of the shit that brings me down, it starts to fade away while I move along the different sessions. Every time I look at me in the gym’s mirror and enjoy seeing me weightlifting. By doing so, I also free lots of anger and deception, and fears.
However, the feeling is still there. It comes out whenever it wants to play games with my mind. It has done it today. It played with me all afternoon. I didn’t go to the gym, because I went biking early in the morning. Maybe I’m using exercising for the bad reasons. To escape. To be freed. To forget. Not to cry. I don’t know. The only thing that I know is that I can’t stop. I need to be me back again. At least, I shall regain the confidence and peaceful that I used to have ten months ago. Getting fit is what seems to be the only way.
I might sound like some sort of me-against-the-world dying hero. It’s what I feel today.